


Our Time is Running Out

by Joeybelle



Series: Starlight Series [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain makes you do stupid things, Post-Rogue One, Post-Star Wars: A New Hope, Romance, Self-Medicating, Some dumber than others, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Stretching or compressing the timeline to suit my needs, Sucide seen as a last resort, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:55:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21899257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joeybelle/pseuds/Joeybelle
Summary: After Scarif came the obliteration of Alderaan, the threat of total annihilation and finally, the fight and victory against the Empire’s most terrible weapon, the Death Star.All of this had left Doctor Cora Enoch so shaken, that the news that some members of Rogue One might be coming back seemed utterly unreal. While struggling to decide if she should open her heart again and allow herself to hope, she realized one thing: you can’t outrun your past.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Starlight Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1577506
Comments: 41
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Folks! Here we are: part 2. 
> 
> Some things to have in mind, it will have a bit of a different structure than Starlight so the chapters will be shorter, at least for a while. There will be some back and forth between POV's, but it will still mostly be Cora's POV. Shorter chapters don't mean that I write any faster, so beware of long pauses between updates because I'm a disaster. Tags will be added as I write more, so check them from time to time. If you want something tagged, pls let me know. 
> 
> Beta'd by the amazing Llexeh.

The room looked empty. Most of the furniture was still in place, although Cora assumed they would remove it before they finished moving the base, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. Her coffee table and collection of mismatched cushions was still there—and would probably never leave the tiny moon, she doubted anyone needed them—but all other personal effects had been packed or thrown away. It was disheartening how little she owned. She could fit everything in a large duffel bag and a medical case, and along with the things she was wearing, that was it. 

Her mattress was still on the floor, in the corner of the room where she’s been sleeping for the past few weeks, but she couldn’t muster the strength to put it back in its place. They’ll probably trash it anyway, if anyone bothered to check her room before leaving Yavin for good.

She took one final look around before she left. Ben the lichen was no longer on her desk and the tank had been scrapped. She’d placed Ben outside in a spot she deemed suitable, but she couldn’t be certain of its survival. Jav Mefran was no longer there to help her out with it. She could only hope that the little bugger would find a way to survive, after all, it seemed to thrive in a prison cell and in an artificial environment, so he must have been pretty resilient. There was no way she could take him where she was going. 

The automatic door closed behind her and she walked towards the elevator. The last time she’d do so. The dark corridors carried so many memories, but right now each of them hurt like a fresh wound. She stared at her shoes and didn’t dare to look up as the elevator doors closed. 

Last time she’d walked those hallways was with Lewella, a couple of days after the battle on Scarif and gotten drunk on what was left of Melshi’s stash of jet juice. They also found a crate of expensive liquors labeled “The Good Shit. In case of death knock yourself out” in Melshi’s messy handwriting and they laughed until they cried and cried until there were no tears left. Eventually, they fell asleep on the cold, hard floor and missed work the next day, but no one said anything about it. Only after the fact did they find out the base nearly suffered the same faith as Alderaan while they were still drunk. 

She couldn’t remember clearly how long ago that was, a month or two, maybe more, maybe less, she couldn’t tell for sure. It was like time had lost its consistency and made no sense anymore. Ever since Scarif she’d been in a haze most of the time. That, when she wasn’t outright breaking down, but she was trying to keep it together in public and do her job as best as she could. 

She held out hope that they would make until the last moment; until the Death Star fired and almost wiped Scarif clean. She’d watched it on one of the screens in the War Room, where she’d gone after she finally regained the ability to move after Cassian’s departure. No one had asked her to be there, but no one stopped her either. Even Draven blatantly ignored her presence. So she heard about it in real time. The battle of Scarif; the destruction of the fleet; the death and renewal of hope. 

She was numb after that, barely functioning. Doctor Crane had insisted that she’d take a few days off once it was clear how affected she was and for the first time she agreed to take his advice. But then Alderaan happened, and everything changed. 

The elevator came to a stop and she got off. There was a strange tension in the air, but not the kind that came before a fight. Moving to a new location kept everyone working around the clock. Cora had no idea where they were moving, she hadn’t asked and no one had told her. They were all on a need to know basis, just in case any of them would be intercepted by enemies. The threat of the Empire striking still loomed over them. After all, they’d won a battle, not the war. 

But Cora didn’t really care either, since she wasn’t going with the rest of them anyway. She was leaving for Naos, an important outpost at the junction of some key routes or something. She’d been told it was a straight hellhole, but it didn’t bother her. Perhaps the shit weather would help her forget about the storm raging inside of her. For a little while, at least. 

She bypassed the ER and went straight upstairs. Lewella had only been on base once since Alderaan and Cora had already said goodbye to everyone the day before in a rushed lunch get-together. Her colleagues were just as distraught as she was and goodbyes were now a lot harder than before, so she didn’t feel like saying it twice. But there were still a couple of hours to kill before her ship departed, so she headed for the med bay upstairs. 

“Doctor Crane?” she asked one of the med droids organizing tools in a container, seeing that the doctor wasn’t at his desk. 

“His presence was required in the War Room,” was his monotone reply. Cora nodded and awkwardly stood by the window. 

It was odd not being part of the med bay staff on Yavin anymore. She was going to miss it, she thought as she gazed towards the familiar outline of the jungle. Naos was a small, but hot planet, plagued by strong winds and unpredictable, volatile weather. No one wanted to spend any amount of time there, so they basically had to beg to get enough personnel to staff it. Cora had volunteered. She didn’t care where she was going next. 

She left the med bay a few minutes later, once the silence had become unbearable. She couldn’t stay still very long, and waiting was still the worst. So she crossed the corridor, punched in the code and entered Cassian’s room.

His scent surrounded her and tears started to gather in the corner of her eyes. She leaned on the closed door, breathing deeply, trying to keep it together. It took all her determination to turn on the lights and look around. 

The room was mostly as he’d left it: a change of clothes thrown in a corner, showcasing the rush in which he’d left; an open box on the table with something missing from it; a pair of dirty boots near the bathroom door; the bed he hadn’t slept in since their last night together.

Cora couldn’t touch them. Although technically they belonged to her—he had no living relatives and she was deemed closest to him to inherit his stuff, making her wonder if Cassian had ever made their relationship official with the higher-ups—it was _his_ stuff and she couldn’t touch it. 

At first she’d tried sleeping in his bed, but she couldn’t. She thought she’d be able to feel close to him that way, make the ache in her heart dull a bit, but it was nothing but torture. There was too much of him around her and it only heightened the pain. That night she’d ran back to her own room, but she soon discovered she couldn’t sleep in her own bed anymore either.

The nightmares weren’t the biggest problem, although they were worse than ever before and they left her feeling exhausted. No, the good dreams were much worse, the dreams in which he came back, or never left, the dreams where he smiled like nothing had happened, and she woke up with the hope that maybe it’s all just been a bad dream and he’d eventually come back. Those were the worst. Hope was the worst. 

She’d eventually moved her mattress to the corner of her room, so whenever she woke up she’d instantly know that it hadn’t been a dream, that nothing was okay and won’t ever be. That, and she started self-medicating. Fortunately for her, she didn’t even have to do it secretly, since everyone just popped sleeping pills like candy. It seemed like ever since Scarif everyone was at least half dead, so they did what they could to stay functional and there was no one left to judge them.

Eventually, she mustered the courage to stop being glued to the door and take a few steps forward. The fact that she’d only spent one night with him in that room didn’t help either. Even being there felt like intruding into his space, felt a bit like trespassing. She didn’t have the time to get used to being in his private quarters, and now she realized with a wave of dread, that she was leaving it all behind. 

It hadn’t sunk in that she actually owned all his things, from clothes to weapons to all the other things he might have had stashed. She hadn’t looked through them yet and she doubted she ever would, even if she didn’t have to leave. They were Cassian’s and even though he wasn’t here anymore, she doubted he’d approve of her snooping around. 

Especially since he’d made it perfectly clear before leaving that she meant very little to him. Or, at least, not enough to want a future with her. But that didn’t matter anymore either, because he was gone and she was mourning him like a lost husband. She was a mess.

She managed to sit on his bed before breaking down into sobs. Part of her didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to lose the small, familiar bubble where their relationship had bloomed. But they were moving to a new base anyway and soon this place would be deserted, so she’d decided to take the band aid approach and leave early, towards an unknown place. 

The change of scenery would do her good, she thought. She was terribly conflicted between her wish to remember him and the need to forget in hopes of dulling the pain. The outpost had been damaged in a storm so now they had to repair and rebuild parts of it. As the only doctor on base, she hoped it would keep her busy enough not to think. 

Cassian’s bed still smelled of him. If she laid like that, eyes closed, face pressed in one of the pillows, she could almost imagine he was sleeping beside her. She could almost hear his breathing. 

She jumped to her feet, the memory too painful to bare. She chastised herself for letting herself fall into that hole once again. People have real problems, Cora, she told herself as she went to the bathroom to wipe away the tears off her face. You’ve only lost a lover that didn’t even care that much about you. Get yourself together!

The reflection in the mirror showed the ghost of the person that looked in the same mirrors a few weeks back. Even with a monstrous hangover and after an evening of ugly sobbing on Cassian’s shoulder, she still looked better than she did now. Now she looked barely alive. She wasn’t the only one, she reminded herself. After the fight on Scarif and the destruction of Alderaan, a lot of people on base had lost a loved one. Sunken cheeks and distant stares were the staple of the base nowadays. She sighed and turned off the faucet. 

It was time to say goodbye. She willed herself to look around one last time, to confine it all to memory. She couldn’t bring herself to take some of his as a memory. She just couldn’t, even though she knew everything she left behind was going to get lost. The only thing she would be taking with her was the necklace with the only picture they had together and K2’s crystal. 

Eventually, she stepped out of the room. The door closed behind her and she felt like another chapter of her life had come to an end. She’d left the Empire not so long ago and built a life on Yavin, but now she had to leave this one behind as well. But this was life, she had to remind herself for the millionth time, and no matter how hard she clung on to things, they were always going to come to an end. Eventually, everyone had to die.

It wasn’t just Cassian—although that was the part that hurt worse than anything and occupied her mind most of the time. She’d lost most of her friends on Scarif and the ones that were left were just as distant and traumatized as she was. She’d gained a couple of new ones, but those seemed to be part of a completely different life. 

She glanced towards the med bay and was relieved to see Doctor Crane standing by his desk. He wasn’t reading anything like he normally did when he had the time, instead he was gazing out the window with a faraway look in his eyes. The destruction of Alderaan and the subsequent loss of his family had taken a toll on him, his jolly demeanor now long gone. 

“Ah, Cora!” he said, his face breaking into a weak smile. “I was looking for you.”

“I was…” she gestured vaguely towards where she came from, but Doctor Crane nodded in understanding. 

“You might want to take a seat for this.”

Cora groaned, a pained expression crossing her face. “What’s happened this time?” She didn’t have the power to deal with any more death and destruction, but she diligently took a seat.

“Nothing bad this time,” he said, taking a seat on the other side of the desk. “I hope,” he added quickly, before clearing his throat and doing his best to flash her a hopeful smile. It was forced, but Cora knew he meant well. “We’ve got an urgent transmission from one of our squads. They got contacted on the short range comm by one of our ships.” 

Cora watched him anxiously as he seemed to debate whether to tell her or not. She knew she wasn’t the most stable person on base, but it hurt that it seemed he didn’t trust her anymore with sensitive information. Either way, she pushed the feeling deep down. It was her fault for being a bit unbalanced. 

“We don’t know for sure,” he said with an audible exhale, and for a moment he looked even more tired than before, “not until our squad checks it out and confirms it—so I wouldn’t advise getting our hopes up too soon, but…” He looked a little uncertain for a moment, but then he seemed to strengthen his resolve. “They got a distress message from Rogue One. From Cassian.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay, I intended to post this chapter before Christmas, but my Windows crashed and I spent a long time trying to fix it and then I went away for three weeks, so here we are...

“They got a distress message from Rogue One. From Cassian.” 

“What?“ 

Cora’s eyes widened and she could feel the colour leave her cheeks. She felt the same as she did when she got the news that they wouldn’t be coming back. The same draining of emotions, the same shift in the universe that left her completely out of balance. 

“They got a distress message on the short range comm. Said they had left Scarif with a defective ship and were asking for pickup.” Doctor Crane scratched his unkempt beard. “They being Cassian, Jyn Erso and the imperial pilot, Bodhi Rook.”

Cora had to close her eyes for a few moments and press her hands to her face, trying to convince herself that this was real life and not another very vivid hallucination. 

“What’s their status? Do they require medical attention?” she eventually asked, remembering protocol. Her voice was croaky. 

The doctor looked amused. “We’ll see when they get here. There is a medic on the rescue ship, and the message didn’t sound particularly distressed… but we all know Cassian.”

Cora nodded. It was a weird feeling. As days passed, she’d forced herself to think of Cassian in past tense, struggling to convince herself that he wasn’t alive anymore. And now, all of a sudden, it wasn’t the case. Her hands were shaking, so she forced them flat on the table surface. 

“Will you join us in welcoming them?” asked the doctor. 

“I… I have to leave,” she said, trying to gather whatever was left of her composure. “My ship is leaving today.” 

Doctor Crane snorted. “They don’t need you yet. They can handle a week without you. After all, there is no med bay set up yet, you’d have nothing to do.” 

“Accidents can happen, Doctor,” Cora repeated what she’d told him the first time he opposed to her being assigned to that specific outpost; and then the next time; and the time after that and so on. 

It wasn’t a secret that what had happened to Alderaan had shaken the old doctor to the core. In the blink of an eye every living member of his family was gone. Just like that. Gone. They didn’t have the opportunity to fight back, most of them never knowing what had happened. And the Doctor… one moment he had a family to keep him going and the next he was alone. 

So it was easy to understand why he became twice as protective towards the remaining members of the med bay. They were the only family he had left. He’d been against Cora leaving to another outpost from the very beginning, and she had a lot of convincing to do before he gave her his blessing, accompanied by a melodramatic sigh. Technically she didn’t need his permission, it was her decision to make, but she wanted his approval. He was her family just as much as she was sure she was part of his. So she did her best to convince him to let her go. To this day he still grumbled about it. 

“A med droid will be able to handle that perfectly well,” he said with a scoff and Cora smiled. 

“Yeah, but I’ll be much better at it. And besides, I’ll be able to help with the setting up of the med bay. So I won’t be completely useless.”

The doctor looked at her with a piercing gaze, as if he was trying to read her mind. Or her soul. Cora wanted to tell him they were both screaming, but she knew he already understood. 

“They might arrive on base before your ship is set to leave,” he said, glancing at the clock. 

“I’m technically relieved of my duties on this base,” she said, trying to sound cheeky, but failing miserably. 

“As if anyone cares about those kinds of formalities.”

“Some do,” she replied, looking down at her hands. She knew she was just making up excuses, but she was scared. Scared of getting her hopes up in case this was just another dream, scared of seeing him as hurt as she imagined him to be, of letting him see the state she was in. Scared of him giving her the cold shoulder once again. She wasn’t even sure what frightened her the most. “Besides, I’d probably just be in the way.”

“The moment I’ll doubt your competence I’ll kick you out of the med bay myself,” he said, and Cora believed him. “But I didn’t ask you to be there in your professional capacity.”

Cora dropped her gaze. “That means I will be even more in the way.”

“Cora…” The look of pity in his eyes almost made her choke. 

“I don’t…” She shook her head. “I need some air,” she said, jumping to her feet, feeling like the room was starting to compress around her. “I really need some air.”

Doctor Crane watched her leave the med bay, but didn’t do anything to stop her. She walked briskly through the corridor, punched in the code and exited on the platform. The air was heavy with moisture, but it didn’t come as a surprise anymore. The unpredictable weather on Yavin IV had become familiar and dear to her. After all, this was the most time she’d spent on a planet since she’d left that dreaded boarding school. 

She was going to miss it, she thought, leaning on the damp stone wall and looking in the distance, at the sea of green treetops. She’d gotten so used to her life on this base that she’d forgotten that this was just a temporary home and its time had run out. They had to move on. She had to move on as well. Without Cassian…

But Cassian wasn’t dead, she had to remind herself. This wasn’t a dream, she hoped—sometimes the lines were even blurrier than this, but she could feel her nails biting into the flesh on her wrist—yet it still felt hard to believe. Just like his death was so hard to accept, his coming back to life was just the same. 

She should have been happy about it. Hell, she should have been overjoyed, this was the answer to all her prayers in the past few weeks, but she was just numb. Maybe it was the medication, after all she was taking it to numb the mental anguish. She assumed it had left her completely desensitized. 

Her hand went to her neck, where Cassian’s necklace lay hidden under the fabric of her shirt. With surprisingly steady fingers she took it out and opened it to reveal the photo they had taken together on Samarkand. She hadn’t touched it in a long time, she couldn’t bear to see his face anymore. She only showed the picture to Leia on the night of the celebration, right after the Death Star had been destroyed. 

Cora hadn’t gone to the award ceremony, or the celebration that followed. She felt like she didn’t have anything to celebrate. Yes, she was alive, but she couldn’t really feel thankful for it. It would have been torture to go watch other people get medals, when more than half the work had been done by Cassian and the Rogue One team. Maybe they got their own medals, posthumously, but what good would that do?

Instead she spent the night with Doctor Crane and a bottle of ‘the good stuff’ in the med bay, and were later joined by a beautiful and royal looking—but just as shaken—Princess Leia. They looked back on their life until then, the people they’d lost, things they’d been through. 

Doctor Crane had known Leia since she was very little, being a close friend of her parents’. Cora felt a little out of place at first, coming from a completely different world as them, but they made her feel welcome. Although reluctant at first to share her side of the story, she eventually opened up, despite fearing the same hostility she had faced from the members of the council when she had joined the Rebellion. But Leia didn’t judge her for her upbringing or her family, nor for her role in the Empire. 

Even when she got drunk and needed some air, Leia joined her on the platform and listened to her recollect her time spent with Cassian and the other rebels. She let her cry on her shoulder and also shed a few tears while the rowdy sounds of the celebrating rebels resounded through the night. A connection had formed between them that night, and if she wasn’t sure Doctor Crane had adopted her the moment she stepped foot in his med bay the first time she left her cell, she was sure he’d done it then. They were family. Bruised and broken, these rebels were her family. 

And some were coming back from the dead and she still couldn’t believe it. Cassian was coming back. 

Was he though? Was he really coming home, and if he was, what was he coming back to? Not to her, that much she was certain of. Besides, she wasn’t much to come back to either, she almost retched looking at herself in the mirror. 

So leaving wasn’t such a bad idea after all. She needed space, she needed time to think. It took her so long to get her head around his death, it would probably take just as much to change it. A change of scenery would definitely do her good. Besides, it was just for half a year, after that they’d appoint her to the main base or another outpost. Maybe her heart would have the time to heal until then.

Cora stayed on the platform until the rain started picking up, then she sneaked inside, trying to avoid anyone she knew. Luckily, Doctor Crane was nowhere in sight, so she could go into the med bay to pick up her bags without having another awkward conversation. She took a peek at the clock and realized she’d lost track of time once again, and now her ship was about to leave. She hadn’t even said goodbye properly. Well, it was too late now. 

She left in a hurry, surrounded by people who seemed to also be hurrying outside for some reason. For the first time ever, the elevator was full to its capacity. She wondered where everyone was going, because she was sure the base wasn’t going to be evacuated that day. 

She watched them gather on the landing strip with curiosity. Were they waiting for something to happen?

“They’re coming back!” someone said to her, their face breaking into the most dazzling smile she’d seen in a while. And then it clicked. Rogue One crew—or at least, what was left of it—was coming back, and they were going to be greeted as heroes. Cora stopped in her tracks, with the duffel bag flung over her shoulder and a medical bag in her hand, looking at the piece of gray sky, letting the rain fall over her.

Cassian was coming back. Cassian was finally coming back. After days and days of crying and begging, he was returning. It still felt like a dream. Hell, maybe it was a dream, but as always she hoped with all her heart that he was okay. 

“So you’ve decided to join us after all,” said Doctor Crane, patting her shoulder. 

“My ship is leaving,” she replied, wiping a tear as sneakily as possible. “I’d better go.” The hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“They’ll wait for a few minutes, don’t worry about it,” he said with a smile which was met with a worried look from Cora. “Listen, I’ll let them know that you’ll be here greeting them, I’m certain they’ll understand. Besides, they’ll probably want to see them return before they head out to Naos, there’s no rush.”

Cora looked along the landing strip where everyone was gathered. Ships were still taking off from other sides of the base, and she doubted everything would stop just because Cassian and two others were coming back. Eventually she nodded and smiled back. If anyone was able to get the ship to wait for her, it was Doctor Crane. And the least she could to was to be there to greet Cassian. She owed him that much. Despite her conflicting feelings, she had to do this. She’d have enough time to think the rest over once on Naos. 

She took her place in the crowd without advancing to the front. She could see Aidan with his team of medics ready for anything that might need their attention, Mon Mothma behind them, looking as poised as ever. Leia was there too. Draven was away, as far as she could tell, and most of the council members had already left the base. 

Minutes seemed to pass slower than ever. Cora kept looking at her watch, debating whether to stay or to go to her ship before Doctor Crane passed her oh his way to the team of medics, and winked. It didn’t do anything to calm her nerves, but she did her best to stop fiddling with her watch from then on. At least she knew the ship would be waiting for her, so she could at least say hi before she left. However, she still nervously played with her tracker bracelet, the one she still wore by force of habit, not because she had to. 

Oh, how much had changed since her imprisonment. How much she had changed since then. 

It took a while until the murmur of the crowd was drowned by roaring of engines. Cora finally looked up to see one of their own ships landing. It wasn’t the stolen cargo shuttle that had left for Scarif—it couldn’t be, she realized, this had to be the rescue ship sent after them. She pressed a hand to her lips and waited.

The ramp opened to reveal a couple of crewmen, and then Cassian walked out. Cora’s breath caught in her throat and the world started spinning. He was alive. Alive and _almost_ well, judging by his limp and the more pronounced curve of his back. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed with some surgical intervention and physical therapy, she thought before realizing it wasn’t her job anymore. She was leaving. She was just Cora Enoch here to greet her ex lover who’d come back from the dead. 

He was standing at the top of the ramp looking around with the same sharp look in his eyes. His hair was longer and unrulier than ever and his stubble had grown into a full beard. He had dark circles and his skin looked a little waxy, but he was alive. Alive and walking and breathing and… and safe.

But how long would it take until he’d do it all over again? How long until ‘The Cause’ would require him to sacrifice everything once again, to throw himself into the unknown, with no promise of ever making it out alive? How long until his luck ran out?

She couldn't do it. She couldn’t. Not again, not anymore.

She couldn’t go back to what had once been. From now on she knew she wouldn’t be able to ever watch him leave without thinking that he’d never come back. She’d mourned him once, she was certain she wouldn’t be able to do it again— she wouldn’t let herself do it again. And besides, he’d made it clear she wasn’t that important to him. If she had been in denial and didn’t read that in his actions, his words before he’d left made it perfectly clear. What was the point of running to him only to be met with a cold shoulder? Or even worse, an embrace and a smile, only to be discarded once again when she’d be in the way. Cause she knew that’s what she’ll always be. 

No, she wouldn’t do it.

She was happy he was alive, as happy as her bruised soul allowed her to be, but she couldn’t face him. She was too fragile, too unstable, too fucked up. She needed time to think. She had to get away. 

Cora turned on her heels and almost ran to the other side of the tarmac, where her ship would be waiting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only thing I managed to write this whole year. It wasn't great, as you all know. I won't give this story up, but it might take a lot longer to finish than I had anticipated. Either way, thank you all for your love and support. If someone had told me when I started writing this that it would be getting so much love from such wonderful people I would have never believed them. Thank you.
> 
> Special thanks to my bff for always having faith in me. Much love.
> 
> Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

Cassian fidgeted in his seat as he waited for the ship to reach their base. He’d been given a brief rundown of everything that had happened in his absence and it was overwhelming, to say the least. In their little hideout on Scarif, time seemed to have stood still, as cut off from the rest of the world as they’d been. 

But the rest of the Galaxy had been busy— busy surviving, for the most part. The Empire had decided to use their planet killer for its intended purposes and actually wipe out a whole planet. Alderaan was no more and although he'd seen first hand what the weapon could do, it was still hard to wrap his head around it. A whole planet in the blink of an eye. And Yavin IV almost suffered the same fate, if not for the bravery of a handful of rebels. 

No, he didn’t like thinking about this. There was an odd sense of guilt knowing so much had happened while he was tending to his wounds on Scarif, blissfully unaware of what was going on. Not like he hadn’t wondered, he’d sometimes stay up all night worrying about the fate of the Rebellion, worrying about his friends and about Cora, almost torn by the fact that he just didn’t know what was going on. But no matter how much he had beaten himself up about it, his guilt didn’t make up for the fact that he hadn't been present at the destruction of the Death Star. He hadn’t been there when all his friends were fighting and dying for a glimmer of hope. He hadn’t been there for Cora when she needed him the most. 

He wondered—as the base came into sight, the lush green of Yavin IV’s forests a familiar and calming sight— if his presence would have helped at all or if he would have just been in the way. After all, their mission on Scarif had been a shot in the dark. It had been successful— he’d just found out— but foolishly reckless. He’d been lucky. Not everyone had been. He was certain he didn’t deserve it. 

A crowd had gathered on the landing strip. Cassian grimaced. He didn’t need a hero’s welcome when he didn’t feel like one in the slightest. If he could, he’d find Cora and retreat silently to his quarters to make up for the lost time. 

But the others deserved the praise. They’d fought bravely for a Rebellion that was a little more than an empty promise for them. So he would grit his teeth and face the crowd for them. 

Jyn was looking out the viewport, scanning the crowd with a curious look on her face. Bodhi was in his seat, eyes glued to the floor, his good leg bouncing nervously. The other one had been severed just below his knee by an exploding grenade. 

Cassian made an effort not to let the memory of the rescue overwhelm him. A barely working ship landing next to them on the beach, Bodhi more dead than alive, his severed leg bleeding profusely; the blow of the explosion almost pushing them out of the way; his own body quickly shutting down. If it weren’t for Bodhi’s resilience and determination to come and save them, and for Cora’s bag of medical supplies, they wouldn’t be alive. 

The ship landed with a thud, and Cassian made an effort to get up, his joints stiff and aching. He was alive, but not unscathed. He hoped Cora could do something about it, but he’d made peace with the idea that he’d never be quite the same after this. At least he was alive. 

The roar of cheers coming from outside almost shook the ship as the hatch opened. Cassian had to cover his eyes for a few moments as he adjusted to the light. The warm, humid air smelled different than the air on Scarif. The stench of burning and death still lingered in his nostrils. 

“Welcome back, Captain,” said Mon Mothma.

“We’d almost given up on you,” someone added , with a forced laugh. 

That was a lie, Cassian had been told they'd been considered dead all this time. Nonetheless, he forced himself to smile in response. “We’re more resilient than we look,” he said, but the lighthearted note in his voice he had intended to use just wasn’t there. “And a lot luckier,” he added. 

“Enough with the pleasantries, we can leave those for later.” Doctor Crane barged in, followed by the welcome team of medics. Cassian scanned the crowd, Cora wasn’t one of them. A cold shiver ran down his spine. “It’s good to have you back alive, Captain, but I’d rather we keep you that way, so medical checkup before anything else.”

Cassian was sat on a medical gurney before he could open his mouth to reply. He didn’t protest. He wanted out of the crowd and this seemed to be the quickest way out. 

The Doctor looked a lot older than Cassian had seen him before. Aldeeran had been destroyed, he remembered, along with everyone he held dear. He wondered if anyone had been lucky enough to escape. By the look of things, probably not. 

“Where’s Cora?” he asked, once the Doctor had put a little distance between them and the rest of the medical team. 

“Uuuh… around,” the Doctor replied, his eyes scanning the crowd. “I guess she didn’t like the crowd either.”

Cassian let out half a breath of relief. “Is she okay?”

The doctor smiled weakly. “As much as she can be.”

“I’ll go look for her,” he said, jumping off the gurney. He didn’t hear any protests and another shiver ran down his spine. The Yavin IV he knew was no more. Nothing seemed okay.

He tried dodging the crowd, but people still stopped him to shake his hand, to pat his back and wish him warm welcomes. Almost all their faces looked gaunt, with dark circles and the signs of prolonged fatigue. Too many eyes were shiny, some from tears, some from the pills that stopped the tears. Too many limbs missing, too many bacta patches. Too few people. Some new faces, but overall it seemed like everyone in the base had gathered on the tarmac, and there weren’t that many rebels left. 

He quickened his pace and headed for the ER. The automatic doors opened before him to reveal an empty med bay. Only the med droids seemed to be present.

“Where is Doctor Enoch?” he asked one of the med droids. 

“Doctor Enoch is not registered with this med bay.”

Fuck’em and their mechanic thinking. He left before any of the doctors could confine him to the medical ward and headed upstairs. She’d probably be there. 

He hurried through the corridors to the familiar med bay and was met with the same lack of personnel. There were two med droids waiting for their patients, but no one else. Cassian looked around at the state of disarray the med bay was in. Doctor Crane’s desk was pushed to the side and the rest of the room was filled with metal beds and extra consultation tables. The pristine look everything used to have seemed to be long gone, with equipment haphazardly placed on different tables. A lot of things had changed since he’d been away. His hands started to get clammy, so he opened and closed his fists a couple of times. The muscles in his forearms still ached. 

“Doctor Enoch?” he asked one of the droids. 

“Doctor Enoch is not registered with this med bay.”

“What do you mean she’s not registered here?”

“Doctor Enoch is registered with another med bay.”

“What? Where?”

“I have not been provided this information. Anything else?”

Cassian muttered under his breath and stormed out. Something wasn’t right. What did it mean that Cora wasn’t registered with this med bay? How many of them were there? Had she quit? It took a few moments of pacing around an empty corridor to realize they were moving the base. He’d been told that in passing, and his mind had bigger things to focus on, so he’d brushed it off. But it made sense. So she’d already been assigned to a different base, so she wasn’t registered here anymore. Where were they moving to? He assumed he’d be given this information at some point, but he didn’t have the time for that. 

He headed to Cora’s room in the catacombs, bumping into the people that were coming back inside, filling the corridors once again. He hurried, his body taking the well known route almost on autopilot.

Cassian’s hand hovered for a few moments before mustering the courage to knock on her door, his chest filling with both anticipation and anxiety. He’d have a lot of apologizing to do. He remembered vaguely their last interaction— he’d almost been on autopilot then too— but he knew the words said then were meant to hurt. If he were to be perfectly honest, he wasn’t ready for that conversation yet. He’d racked his brains numerous times while trying to fix their crashed ship on Scarif about what he’d say to her, and he still had no idea. He wasn’t big on apologies and he knew this wouldn’t be forgiven with a simple sorry and a kiss. Would she yell, would she cry, would she curse at him? He had no idea.

He took a deep breath, and knocked again, this time with a lot more determination. Whichever way she’d react, it was warranted. He deserved it. He’d have to take it and try to fix things. He had to fix it. All that time on Scarif, when he was so close to just giving up, to just closing his eyes and letting darkness take him, he’d always felt the ghost of her warmth, of her smile… the echo of her voice calling his name. It was the only thing that kept him going. He couldn’t lose her. 

He knocked a third time and when no reply came he punched in the code and opened the door. It was dark, that was the first thing that hit him. The glow that usually came from Ben’s tank was gone. The second thing that hit him was the stale smell. The ventilation system was never the best down there, but Cora always made sure to keep everything clean and fresh, so the air was breathable. Right now it smelled like decay. 

He turned on the lights and looked around. Nothing was like he remembered it. The desk was cleared of everything, including the tank, the bed frame was empty, and the mattress pushed to the far end of the room, next to the wall. The colorful cushions were just stacked on top of each other in a corner. Cora’s collection of books were in an open trash bag, like she’d decided last minute to throw them away. 

There was nothing left that gave the impression that she was coming back. 

He rushed out and went back up. There was a sliver of hope that maybe she’d just moved to his room while he was gone. He was sure they’d give it to her after he didn’t come back, and it was closer to the med bay, so it made sense. He punched in the code and anxiously waited for the door to open. 

He was met with darkness once again. A small part of him had hoped he’d see the lichen’s faint light, but it wasn’t there. He took a deep breath and turned on the lights; the sense of deja-vu was almost palpable. Everything was how he’d left it, unmoved, untouched. 

He felt the panic rise in him. She wasn’t here either. He didn’t have to look, the almost deadly silence gave it away. 

Cassian turned on his heels and found himself in the hallway once again. He didn’t have a plan, he didn’t know where to head next. The med bay had gone busy, but he didn’t dare bother them; wouldn’t let them see the desperation in his eyes and the small tremor of his hands as the cold grip on the back of his neck became more and more obvious. 

Where next? Doctor Crane had said she was around, and he wouldn’t lie about something like that, so she was on base. She was on base, he just needed to clear his head and look for her. She wasn’t in her room and wasn’t in his either, so she had to have moved somewhere else, since her belongings weren’t there. Someone had to know where she had moved, the base wasn’t that big. 

Cassian looked around for someone he knew. A lot of new faces inhabited the base, and Cassian made a mental note to try and remember then in the days to come. But now that wasn’t his priority. 

He eventually found a pilot he knew and asked. 

“Hmm… I think she left?” the pilot said, scratching his chin. 

“Left? Where?”

“I know Doctor Enoch’s one of the people assigned to Naos, and a transporter was set to leave today, but I don’t know more than that, sorry.”

“It’s okay, thanks,” Cassian said with a nod, and rushed down the corridor. 

Naos was a shithole, that much Cassian knew. And somehow he always knew deep down, Cora had a saviour complex, so it made sense for her to volunteer for such a thing. There was no doubt in his head that she had volunteered, for no one in their right mind would assign one of their best doctors, with both combat and engineering experience to such a remote and vulnerable position. 

Cassian cursed. A lot of things had gone ass up in his absence, and the guilt was starting to eat at him. He’d gone on that mission fully convinced that he was never coming back, wishing the best to the ones he knew, but knowing that whatever happened to them after, was out of his hands. And now he was back to experience the aftermath. And it wouldn’t be consequence free for him. 

The tarmac was still buzzing with people, but not as many as when he’d landed. He headed towards the first officer he could see and asked about the transporter. 

“Yeah, it left a few minutes before you landed, Captain,” he said, after checking his datapad. “One of the several to leave the base today.”

Cassian took a deep breath, trying to keep his composure. “Is this the last one to Naos?”

“Ummm… no. But lemme check. Yeah, there will be another one a week from now.”

“Thanks,” Cassian said, turning on his heels and heading back towards the building. 

He was lost. He’d missed her. She’d already left. The only thing he wanted to do since he’d landed on base was to see her and talk to her. Everything else was put on hold until that. But she had left. 

The next transporter was a week away. He could board that one and pay her a visit on Naos, but a week was so far away. What was he supposed to do until then? He knew life went on despite his feelings, but for the first time in a long time he was willing to put his own needs and wants first, and the only thing he wanted was to talk to Cora. 

He could give her a call on the holo. But he knew he wasn’t very good at expressing himself in person, let alone on a holo. No, that would be a very bad idea. That’s not how he wanted their meeting to go. He needed to talk to her in person, but he doubted anyone would give him a ship just to pay her a visit. 

He could steal one. 

Lost in thought, Cassian had reached his room, but he knew what awaited him on the other side of the door. Instead of going in he took a sharp turn and headed towards the balcony. He punched in the code and the door opened. 

Cora’s luggage was laying in the middle of the balcony, dropped and forgotten. She was leaning on the wall, on the edge of the platform, looking in the distance. Cassian could only see her back, but he knew she had her arms crossed over her chest and possibly a frown on her face. 

He took a few steps towards her, but she didn’t seem to notice his presence. She seemed to have been there some time. There were wet patches on her shoulders, but it wasn’t raining anymore.

“Cora,” he said, his voice barely audible over the wind. 

She took a few moments before turning around, like she either didn’t hear him or was trying to make up her mind if to turn around or not. His heart skipped a beat. Her face was devoid of emotion, a mask of the person he’d once known. 

“Captain,” she replied in a strange monotone. Cassian took a few rushed steps towards her, but her hand lifted like a barrier between them. He was close enough that she could touch his chest, but she kept her distance. He could see the signs of exhaustion on her face, and the memories of her in prison flooded back in. Somehow, she looked even worse now, and Cassian knew he was to blame once again. 

Her hand hovered, and her eyes didn’t lift to meet his face. Cassian knew he was walking on eggshells. He slowly lifted his arms in a gesture as close to an embrace as the distance between them allowed it. 

“No!” she snapped, and the harshness in her voice made him freeze. “No.” 

“Don’t get me wrong, Captain,” she added after a few moments, lifting her eyes to finally meet his. They seemed vacant. “I’m… glad you’re back safe. And I wish you a fast recovery and… I have to thank you for… for what you did for us.” 

“Cora…”

“But that’s it. That’s all of it.” She snapped out of her defensive state and walked around him. 

Cassian had to fight the urge to grab her elbow and force her to turn around to face him, but he knew doing something like that would do more bad than good. Instead he followed her, keeping a safe distance. 

“Cora, wait. Please listen…”

“I won’t!” she almost yelled, and Cassian was taken aback by the animosity in her eyes. “I won’t. Not today, not ever.” 

Still glaring at him she picked up her bags off the wet stone floor. There was a dry spot underneath them. 

“Have a good day, Captain,” was the last thing she said, before the automatic door closed between them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it.
> 
> If you have any questions, or just wanna talk to me you can find me on [Tumblr@joeybelle](https://joeybelle.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter@njoeythesilence](https://twitter.com/njoeythesilence). DM and Ask box open for you guys <3


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